From One Messed Up Human To Another

The feeling is still as clear as a bell. Sitting shoulder to shoulder on hard wooden pews with hundreds of other women, laughing, crying, singing, and praying. I loved going to spiritual retreats with Christian women back in the 1980's and 90's.

I can see the big boxy jackets the women speakers wore. Padded shoulders and shiny buttons over colorful dresses and skirts. Their hair was perfect and makeup flawless. Which made sense because according to the words they were speaking into the microphone; they lived perfectly joyful and productive lives. Nearly 24/7. 

The reason they were the speakers and we were the listeners was obvious. They had it figured out and we wanted to know how to do what they did so we could do it too and be like them. We didn't resent them.....I didn't resent them...I envied them. I loved them. I loved staring at them and trying to soak in  every word spoken, every rule and tip and inspiration they happily passed on to us, the eager audience. How to live happily ever after with God, husband and family. How to be a leader in your church, school and community. 

Years later I learned that a valued speaker and leader can be strong in one area and not so strong in other areas  of their life. That it is okay to speak or write a book with authority in one thing while still struggling in other parts of daily living. The blogging world let me see inside the lives of writers who had huge followings but one suffered terribly from a fear of leaving her home. Another had such severe panic attacks that she had to hospitalized. 

All of this came back to me recently when a reader of my book looked at me in frustration and said that the book made her feel jealous and caused her to question why God does not talk to her the same way He spoke to me. 

As she shared her heart so truthfully and bravely, I did that thing you are not supposed to do. I got really excited to answer her. I was happy she did not keep this thought to herself, because it is the absolute last thing I wanted my book to do to anyone. So this way, she gave me the opportunity to banish any frustration Walking Butterfly brought to her heart. 

My answer had two parts. 1) The true stories in Walking Butterfly were spread over a span of many years. I would guess maybe thirty years. The stories in my book are highlights of my life so far. I only chose the big moments to share, the minutes when God stepped into my day and interrupted a very ordinary life. I told her that it was similar to how we all post pictures of our best moments on Facebook. We all know that there are millions of boring days in between the fun parties, outings and great meals. 

As I answered, I also thought about how the Bible is a collection of the highlights in lives of ordinary people. But I didn't voice this thought because comparing Walking Butterfly to the Bible would just be wrong! 

2) The second part of my answer was to say that God is speaking to her. He is speaking to everyone, but we tend to dismiss His voice because it is usually not a big booming crack of thunder. As I look back at my moments of hearing God, I know that I had a split second choice to either ignore the thought as coincidence or pursue it to see if it was indeed God. The times that I followed the inner tug, or surprising thought, I was rewarded with a sense of His presence and a strong hope that I was hearing from Him. 

Sometimes I simply wrote about it in my journal saying things like, "I have no idea if this thought came from you God, but if it did, thank you." And often I would get some sort of confirmation from another source that the idea was His. 

I am a writer who loves to write about the love of God. I believe it is my special message that I am meant to share. But I am also a very messed up human being. I have ridiculous fears and insecurities that shape my life in ways that embarrass me. I am not one of those perky perfect women's retreat speakers. And those amazing speakers are also messed up humans, and I am sure they admitted that as I sat on those wooden benches drinking them in. I wanted to think they were perfect, because that would mean that someday I could be perfect too. 

I used to feel unqualified to write about how much God loves us because I do not have it all together in other areas of my life. But now I know that He loves me in my mess and that frees me up to share my good news that He loves you in your mess too! How awesome is that? 

From my mess to yours,

Susie